After a few glasses of Cristal (compliments of adidas), Michigan Athletic David Brandon put down his thoughts on the preferred seat donation program…
Hey buddy! How are things in your neck of the woods? Well, I have to say things are pretty swell here! I mean, apart from that 8-4 football season (who would have known that all those away games would have been so darn difficult) and the hockey team taking a dive. But hey, have you SEEN that basketball team? WOW!
You and all of your other fellow pals in the end zones are great people. Really you are! You’re loud, wild, crazy, and you throw some really cool tailgate parties. I know they’re not as fancy as the ones in the Crisler parking lot, but a hot dog is a hot dog, and you guys know how to cook them just how I like them. The problem is that I’ve made a lot of promises lately. Crazy promises. We’ve got about 600 or something other sports programs (I forget them all – I can’t remember everything), and face it, this one and basketball are the only ones that are paying the university’s bills right now. I know in 2004 that the message was sent that you wouldn’t have to pay anything for a seat donation where you sit. Sure, we’ve tripled our revenue from bowl games proceeds and we’re rolling in cash from that Big Ten Network revenue and all of these luxury boxes. I also know that your ticket stub for the MSU game this year at $95 is a little different then that stub you may have saved from the 1995 MSU game that read $35….but our new tickets are really shiny now!
Basically, we’re strapped. I’m counting on you pal! And don’t think you’re alone. We made sure to stick it to those rich folks that sit everywhere else (yeah, those jerks). We have to get some money, and fast! We just got a deal that we couldn’t pass up. We met this guy at a Legitimate Businessmen’s Social Club meeting and he told us that if we build 10 buildings with his company, he’ll throw the 11th and 12th structures in for free! How can you pass that up? Plus, with the price of gas so high and my recent addiction to candy cigarettes, $800,000 a year is just not going to cut it as a salary.
Anyway, we need to get this done quickly and it costs a lot of money. We figured an extra $10 million a year in perpetuity should just about cover it. And the good news is, we aren’t raising ticket prices this year. Not one cent!! I know you were expecting it, but I’m just that kind of guy. It’s just like a tax cut! We accept cash, check or Diner’s Club cards only. Make sure you get this in quickly, or we’re going to give your tickets to some random Ohio State fan….and we really don’t want that happening. Could you live with the fact that YOU let that happen?
Anyway, we’ll be expecting your $75 soon. The heated yellow brick road in front of Crisler has already broken ground and I had to front my 11th Bentley as collateral. Those builders are relentless!
Maybe I’ll see you some Saturday…..
P.S. I’ve enclosed a picture showing how dire the situation is here at the Athletic Department. Send help quick!
Special Thanks to Bryan Smitt for passing this along!